What the papers say....

May 26th

Devastated to read that poor old Bono (he's a bit of a singer, with an Irish 'band') after years of trying to talk out of his arse - and on more than one occasion, trying to disappear up it - has caused his own considerable damage.  Mind you there is a sense of justice, given that he has been giving some of us a pain in the arse for years... he knows, what it feels like, at last.
It has really screwed up several important schedules, i.e.   A tour of North America, Glastonbury, his bank managers pension and a whole series of 'Telly Bloopers'.

Word is that Ronan Keating's (Louis Walsh told him that he was a singer - proving two things; (1) Louis is the biggest liar and/or most tone deaf music impresario in the universe and (2) You could probably sell Ronan a Jack Russell and convince him that it was a Shetland Pony)  marriage is going through a rocky patch; couldn't have anything to do with the fact that Ronan was allegedly boning a dancer on the side!  Sources advise me that his next stop is, a trip to Tiger Woods' mansion, where he allegedly, Tiger is going to give him some tips (on golf, I presume) and Ronan is going to trade for tips on how to drive away from your Missus, without getting a 9 iron in the forehead.

Niamh Kavanagh, can be seen in the 'Irish Mirror', up in the Arctic Circle, getting ready for Eurovision.  I thoroughly agree that she and all the other Eurovision hopefuls are in exactly the right place (and should be left there - that's Ronan's next stop, after Tiger).  Just in case ordinary people who really like music, didn't think that she was daft enough for entering the contest, Niamh dressed in traditional attire for the visit, which is her way of saying, 'Please look at me, I am a right tool!'   ...shouldn't she have a bell around her neck?